Akatsuki's troubles
by Zetai
Summary: One nice day they come home and find a surprise waiting for them. A very troublesome surprise, indeed.


**Akatsuki's troubles**

The mission was over and they went back to the hideout. Tobi stormed through the door, the others followed him.

Some time later they were resting peacefully in the living-room, only Tobi running around like crazy, when suddenly they heard a desperate and angry yell coming from the kitchen. Two seconds later a very furious Pein appeared at the living-room's door. "Which one of you motherfuckers ate my ice-cream? Tobi?"

"Er… Tobi is a good boy! Tobi eats only cookies."

Everyone looked at each other.

"Leader, we didn't do it… this time. Really."

"Are you implying there's someone else here?"

"Hehe, your dead grandmother's ghost is haunting you" Zetsu giggled. Tobi laughed hysterically.

"That's not funny!" Itachi's face got white and he shivered.

"Says the man who killed his clan," Kisame laughed, but was hit by one of Tobi's cookies, which Itachi threw at him.

Tobi sneaked behind Itachi's back. "Boo"

Itachi screamed and fell on his knees, shivering. "Mommy, I'm so sorry that I killed you and the whole clan, please forgive me and rest in peace…"

"Eh-hm. Itachi, that was Tobi."

"Oh… well… just pretend you didn't see this." Itachi stared at the floor nervously, then he rushed to hide in his room.

"That was weird," Deidara said.

"Huh" Kisame grunted, "You should see him on Halloween, he freaks out."

A few minutes later Itachi stormed back into the living-room yelling "They're gone, my porn magazines, and Icha Icha, everything is gone!"

Some of the others went to their rooms to see if anything else was missing, first was Kakuzu, mumbling something about his money.

Zetsu ran out of his room shouting "My pot, someone smoked all my pot!"

Kisame who was still in the living-room said almost crying "My fish, if someone hurt it or took it, I'll die!" He fainted.

Pein sighed. "Itachi, go and see if Kisame's fish is all right." Itahci rushed to Kisame's room.

"WTF? There's someone in my bed, un!" that was Deidara's voice.

They rushed to Deidara. Kisame who was still regaining consciousness stumbled after them.

All of them, except Itachi, gathered in Deidara's room and stared with curiosity at the person who was sleeping in Deidara's bed with a face covered in ice-cream. Itachi's magazines and the rest of Zetsu's pot were scattered everywhere.

The person woke up, removed some strands of pink hair from her face, got out of the bed, and looked at them, studying each face very carefully. She finally said "Now, which one of you, losers, is Itachi, Sasuke's brother?"

"Apparently none of them," Itachi said, appeareing at the door. "If you know Sasuke, you must have seen his hotness. And knowing that I'm his brother, have you ever imagined that I might look that ugly?" He pointed at the others. "Something like this?" He pointed at Zetsu. "Or like this?" He pointed at Kisame. "Or as idiotic as that?" He pointed at Tobi who was jumping and singing.

"Eh-hm. Actually I'm hot," Pein said.

"Sorry, leader, I didn't mean you, I know how hot you are." Itachi blushed.

"Wow! Damn, you look just like that bastard your brother." Sakura was amazed.

"How the hell did you get in here?" Pein was mad because someone had found their secret base so easily.

"Well, I might be completely useless, but they say I'm intelligent. That counts for something, after all."

"Uh, whatever. What the hell are you doing here?"

Sakura frowned. "Well, that moron Sasuke left the village and I can't find him. You know about the revenge bullshit and all, killing his brother, bla bla. So, being very intelligent, I figured out that sooner or later he is going to be where Itachi is. And Itachi is here, so now I'll stay here and wait. I'm gonna live with you guys, until Sasuke appears."

"WTF?" Then for a minute everyone was speechless because of the shock.

"Kill her now!" Hidan yelled.

"Let's blow her up!" Deidara started searching for clay.

"No! We'll sell her to some pimp." Kakuzu started calculating the profit.

"Wait!" Pein looked at her. "What are your ninja skills?"

"Um…" Sakua started thinking. "I'm really good at stalking Sasuke no jutsu, being annoying no jutsu, being completely useless no jutsu, getting in everyone's way no jutsu, oh yeah, and I can summon a log."

"Wow, you're really useless." Pein sighed. Hidan yelled again "Kill the bitch now!"

"Wait." Pein had something in mind. "Can you make ramen? Cause Konan won't be back for a long time, and Tobi's ramen is the most horrible thing in the world."

"Er, yeah, I can."

"Fine. Then you can stay. Give her a room. Tomorrow I expect to find ramen on the table." Pein gave his orders and left.

"Yay, so cool." Sakura was happy. "Oh, and I can share a room with the only girl here."

All of them blinked a few times, trying to figure out what she was talking about.

Sakura went closer to Deidara, there was a broad smile on her face. "Aw, I'm so happy that there's at least one girl here. We can share a room, and I'll have someone to talk to, girl talk, you know, and I'll borrow some things and clothes cause I actually came here with no luggage. I wonder what shampoo you're using, your hair is absolutely gorgeous. So what's your name?"

The others were giggling. Deidara's face was bright red. He gave Sakura a hateful look, gritted his teeth and said "I'm a guy. Stay away from my room, un."

Sakura was surprised. "But I swear that you look like…"

"Grrrr. I don't, un! Do I have to take my pants off to prove?"

"Noooooo," everyone yelled.

"But Tobi wants to see!"

"Shut the fuck up, Tobi!"

They gave Sakura a room, and hoped that she wouldn't bother them any more.

On the next morning some of them were already in the living-room when Pein rushed out of the bathroom yelling like mad. He started running in circles, shouting "OMG, OMG, ewwww, there are pink hairs all over the bathroom, everywhere, and on my razor, jeez, find your own, bitch!" He kept on running for a few more minutes, unable to calm down.

Then they heard another yell, this time it was Deidara. "Damn bitch! My special shampoo, she used all of it, un. She has more or less three damn hairs on her head, but somehow she used all of it. What the hell did you do, bitch, drank it or something?"

Sakura just smiled. "The ramen is ready, boys." They noticed she was wearing one of their cloaks. But whose?

At that moment a very sleepy Tobi appeared at the living-room's door, he was still in his pink pajamas. "Tobi's cloak is gone. Tobi will take someone else's." He left the room and in a few minutes he came back, wearing a cloak.

A few more minutes later Itachi appeared only in his underwear (satin, black with red clouds). "Where's my fucking cloak? Hey, Tobi, that's mine. What am I supposed to wear now?"

Sakura stared at him, drooling. "Actually, I don't think you should wear anything at all."

Finally ramen was served. Everyone sat around the table. Pein ate some of the ramen and immediately threw up. "Blah, what the hell is that, bitch, are you trying to kill us? That's worse even than Tobi's ramen."

She gave him a cold look. "I said I can make ramen. I didn't say I can make it good."

Then they noticed that Kisame wasn't at the table. One second later he stormed in the room with a desperate yell and tears in his eyes. "My fish, it's gone!"

Pein frowned and looked at Sakura. "Do you know anything about that?"

"Er…" She looked at the floor. "Well, you wanted ramen and the fridge was quite empty… And you can't make ramen with only noodles, you know, so…"

"Damn it, bitch, are you trying to tell me that I just ate Kisame's fish?"

"Uh-huh."

"Noooooooooooo. How could you put my fish in your stupid ramen, you fucking crazy bitch, nooooo. You cut it to pieces and now I can't even make a proper funeral. Waaaaaaaaah." Kisame burst into tears.

Itachi patted his shoulder. "Don't worry, Kisame, we'll buy you a new fish."

"Hell no! You're not gonna waste money for that!" Kakuzu yelled.

Pein frowned at him and told him "Kakuzu, if Kisame can't overcome the loss, we'll have to spend much more money on his psychotherapy."

"Fine."

"Don't worry, Kisame, we'll buy you a new prettier and bigger fish."

"Oh yeah, why don't you buy him a whale!"

"Shut up, Kakuzu!"

Sakura looked at them completely confused. "But… it's only a fish! Guys, don't you think you're overreacting a little?"

Pein gave her a ferocious look. "You cold, cruel, and heartless woman, can't you show some respect and understanding? The poor man has just lost his precious and beloved fish!"

Kisame pointed at her. "Murderer! Murderer!"

"Er, guys, you have killed countless number of people. I killed a fish and you call me a murderer?" Sakura's brow twitched.

"Kill her now!" Hidan yelled.

"Wait!" Pein said. "She's a moron and she can't cook, but there's one more thing we can use her for. Clothes off, bitch!" They smirked and came closer to her.

"Er… guys? What's going on? No, stay away… ouch… noooo… ew, don't touch me there… owww, get your hands away from… OMG, that's too big… ouch, noooooooo…WTF? Mouths on your hands?... owww, get your fingers out of… OMG, now that's really big… no, not there, just not there… oh no, stop… get that away from my mou-… mphrgh, mfrgh, mgfrgh… eww, that tastes awful… uh, not both of you at the same time, that's too much, aaaaaaa… wait a minute, that's not that bad… can you do that again?"

That's how they spent the whole day. Finally they were done, and all of them went to their rooms to rest and have some sleep.

In Pein's room.

Pein turned off the light and was just about to fall asleep when he felt he was not alone. Someone had sneaked into his bed. He turned on the light and found himself face to face with Sakura. She had a fierce expression on her face and a strange shine in her eyes. "More!" she growled. "Now!" She grabbed his dick.

Some time later.

"Sakura… I just can't do that any more… even I have some limits… try to understand…"

"More! Now!" She grabbed his dick again.

Eh, later.

"Sakura… I really can't…" Pein fainted from exhaustion.

In Itachi's room.

"Mmm, I wanna sleep, Tobi, go away and stop sneaking in people's rooms at night… OMG, what are you doing, why are you touching my… jeez, it's not you!"

"More! Now!"

"Hey, hey, Sakura, wait, not so rough…"

Later.

"Sakura, stop it, that started to hurt already. We did it, jeez, I can't even count how many times, I can't do that forever!"

Later.

"What? Again? I can barely move. Nooooooo"

In Deidara's room.

"WTF? You? I told you to stay away from my room, un. What? You want me to show you again that I'm not a girl?"

Later.

"Bitch, I'm tired, that's enough, fuck off, un."

Later.

"I said no more, damn it! Get your hand away from my dick, damn bitch. Let me go… ouch… stop it! And get your tongue out of my hand, un!"

In Sasori's room.

"No, Sasori, I don't want your stupid puppets. I want your body, now!"

"Er, Sakura, take it easy…"

Later.

"Ah, another one fainted."

In Hidan's room.

"Jeez, these dirty dreams again… Wait a minute, that's not a dream, someone's really sucking me, but who the fuck… Sakura?"

Later.

"Hm, I thought he would last longer, he was supposed to like it rough, after all."

In Kakuzu's room.

"Ah, Sakura, what are you doing here? Go away, I'm busy, I have to count my money."

Later.

"I can't… I can't… that's too much… stop, I'll even pay you to stop…"

In Kisame's room.

"Well, I'm surprised that you're here. I mean… you can just have Itachi or Pein…"

Later.

"I can't do it any more… I'm out of chakra… why you insist on doing this again, why even me… I'm ugly…"

"Yeah, but the others already fainted."

In Zetsu's room.

"What do you want, bitch?"

Later.

"I can't do it any more… I can't do it any more either."

"Both of you, shut up and fuck!"

In the morning.

Pein appeared in the living-room, his face was pale, his legs were shaky. He looked around and saw most of the others sprawled on the couch or crawling on the floor. He realized what had happened. "I wonder where the monster is." he muttered.

Then they heard a yell and seconds later they saw Tobi running like mad and shouting "Stay away, you wicked woman, keep your hands away from little Tobi, Tobi is a good boy, little Tobi is a good boy too, and he's tired…" Tobi broke through the wall and disappeared. Sakura ran after him with a growl.

Pein shook his head sadly. "She didn't even make ramen this morning. Not that I would eat it anyway."

"Leader, we're hungry!"

"All right, this is an emergency."

In Konoha

Kakashi and Jiraiya looked angrily at the weird, miserable looking group of people who had just arrived.

"I know who you are!" Jiraiya yelled. "You're the Akatsuki!"

"I knew it!" Kakashi pointed at them. "You're here to capture Naruto, you want the nine-tailed demon fox and you need it for your evil plan to rule over the world!"

"Ehm, not really." Pein was embarrassed. "Actually we came here to get some of… Ichiraku's ramen… we'll pay for it…" At the last words Kakuzu squealed, but Pein kicked him.

They were back to the hideout. Pein slowly opened the door and entered on tiptoes, followed by the others. "Shhhh, quiet! If we're careful and silent, she might not notice us," he whispered.

"Hi guys, where have you been? I'm so glad you're back, I missed you soooo much. Ready for more fun?"

"Nooooooooooooo," they yelled and started running in various directions.

Later.

"OMG, she did it again!"

Some of them were sprawled on the couch, others were lying on the floor, unable to move.

They started discussing the situation.

"She's just a stupid little girl! Can't we just kill her? I don't get it. We could have done it long ago, but we didn't, as if we were some morons." Hidan tried to figure it out.

"Yeah, there's no logic in that," Itachi said.

"Damn it, leader, do something about it!"

( Pein: *cough* Writer, that doesn't make sense!

Writer: As if I care. I like the story that way.

Everyone: Oh no, we're doomed! )

Pein desperately tried to think of some plan. "Now, everyone who can still move, attack Sakura with your freakiest jutsu, we'll kill her no matter what!"

They attacked her.

"Is it over? No? WTF?"

Sakura laughed. "Hehe, I forgot to tell you. In this story I'm immortal. Who wants more fun?"

"Noooooooooooo"

( Pein: Writer, seriously, we can't handle this.

Writer: Really?

Pein: We can't do it… all the time.

Writer: Don't worry. In this story all of you will have an awesome new skill.

Everyone: What skill?

Writer: Eternal erection no jutsu. Hehe.

Everyone: WTF? )

"Pein? What's going on here? Who is she?"

"Eh… Konan, what a surprise, I didn't expect you to come back so soon… er… I can explain… it's not what it looks like…"

"PEIN! I'LL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"

**The end**

... ... ...

**Author's comments**

Oh how I love to make fun of Akatsuki, they're so cute when they're idiots, I just can't resist. Ah, Pein, what are you doing in the comment?

Pein: Shhh, quiet! I'm hiding from Konan.

Oh, I see. And what are the others doing here? Don't you think it's a little crowded in this comment?

Everyone: We're hiding from Sakura!

*sighs* Fine, you can stay here, but do the disclaimer.

Everyone: We, Akatsuki, are Masashi Kishimoto's characters. Huh, and damn Sakura is his character too.


End file.
